Downfall of the English Language.

Who needs terrorists and biological warfare when you have avid fourteen-year-olds like me roaming the streets talking in shorthand? Generation 86 (that’s my own name for teenagers these days. Don’t ask why.) has enough manpower to completely destroy the English language from the inside out. I really don’t deny it either. If anything, I myself find myself often fueling the fire of grammatical distress.

I know, you’re thinking “What? Alice? She hasn’t spelled a single word wrong in any of these blog posts! You must be mistaken.” And my only response to that is the fact that even though I have impeccable grammar in writing, even my friends have to decode my spoken language sometimes.

Below is a list of the top 10 things I say in regular conversation that may or may not send the earth tumbling towards the sun. Next to each thing, I’ve written what I probably should be saying instead:

1. Prolly (probably)
2. Ima (I am going to)
3. Deffintley (definitely)
4. Nassy (nasty)
5. Kay-kay (okay)
6. Mm-kay (okay)
7. Fo-sho (for sure)
8. Oh, no you di-int (burn!)
9. Diss (burn!)
10. Fo-shizzle (doesn’t mean anything)

With a vocabulary like that, I could probably single-handedly bring down all of Western civilization; so watch out, Chicago.*

* “Watch out, Chicago” is another weird thing I say. I doesn’t mean anything really, so no offense Chicagans.

Downfall of the Music Industry.

Whatever happened to the days of Michelle Branch and Avril Lavigne (before she got happy)? I remember a time when I could switch the radio to 99.5 and actually hear music. Nowadays I flip it on and occasionally I hear somethine I like. Other than that, it’s all Jay-Z and Pretty Ricky and Gangster McPimpfry (doesn’t exist, but you catch my drift). Where has all the actual music gone? And I won’t even get started about MTV, because we all know there hasn’t been any music on that channel since the ’80s.

I really want the ’90s back, even if that means selling my soul.

People Who Should Never Have Been Given Voiceboxes.

I’m usually not a critical person, but when certain people say certain things, I find myself having to resist the urge to punch them in the face. And I’m not talking about trite High School people like Casey Englander, I mean the really annoying people. The ones who should have never been born, or at least never been given voiceboxes.

People like Ann Coulter. I mean, as a little girl, you must know that you are destined to be a hate-filled annoying person when your parents don’t bother putting an e at the end of your last name. (I don’t know, but for some reason, the name Ann sounds a lot more austere than Anne.) I just hope she never runs for president, or she’ll be pretty high up on everybody’s secret sniper hit-list. Maybe I wouldn’t think she was so evil if she hadn’t launched so many attacks on the 9/11 Widows. What was it she said?

“I’ve never seen people enjoying their husbands’ deaths so much.”

Die, evil woman. Okay, then. I’m done ranting about the many faces of evil (well technically, only one) and I’m going to quit now before Ann Coulter says something else stupid.

Since I’m not double-checking this, there may be a lot of sentences that make no sense at all, so I’ll summarize the whole thing right here: I don’t like Ann Coulter. She should die.

The Face of Evil.